I grew up in Japan until when I was 25 years old and I came to the United States in 1995 as a graduate student to study for a Ph.D. in Regional Science (a.k.a. Economic Geography) at Cornell University. I was—and still am—a spiritual seeker; I was born to be curious how the Universe works, why we are here and how we can stop all wars and hungers in the world. As a child, my favorite books were ones on modern physics, astronomy and eastern religions.  As a teenager, my dream was to design a space colony where a million people could live in the perfect harmony—and preferably build one. That is why, after studying engineering in Japan, I decided to come to the United States to study the social sciences so that NASA would hire me and let me design a city in space.

There was another motivation to live in a foreign culture. I wanted to know if my qualities as a human being were universal or not. Will I be perceived my American and international friends the same was as I was in Japan? Will they get my jokes? Will I be able to truly love them and will they love me back? Will they give me a chance? The only way to find out was, of course, to put it to a test. To study for a Ph.D. was such a great excuse (to keep my Asian parents proud!). So, the second chapter of my life began.

As many other foreign students, I was very shy and timid in my first year. Everybody who spoke English fluently seemed confident and strong. I was lonely and frustrated. I hated myself when I could not express how interesting and unique I already was as an individual. What I didn’t realize was that I was learning to intently and silently observe people. Well, I actually had no other choice since I didn’t get to talk often; I would either actually listen or pretend to be listening while I was watching how people respond to what other people said. It became my habit even after I’m confident about my verbal skills.

It was also when I started to experience extremely painful situations (like a real grown-up) and realized that it is more difficult to be happy than solving non-linear differential equations. My behaviors were no longer rational or smart; I experienced what it’s like to be willing to stay dysfunctional in order to keep the emotional addictions I had. I started to need others in order to feel whole and complete. My two years in Oklahoma after I graduated crystallized my vulnerabilities. (Thanks to this experience, I never stopped appreciating the fact I now have at least one friend I can talk to in person after 7pm.) My focus in spirituality shifted from “how the Universe works” to “how the Universe can help us heal”.

After living in upstate New York, Oklahoma and California, I started to see patterns in American friends; especially in how they connect with people as well as fears and desires to connect. It also became clear to me that most of them are unconscious of what they are trying to achieve. My friends in California in particular—most of them are in my “spiritual/metaphysical” community—seemed to have some common themes.

Now, I would like to share my observations and suggestions. But before I proceed, I would like you to understand that although I generalize specific cultures or even genders, I do understand that each cultural group has a full spectrum of personalities. Every country or cultural group has both loving and fearful, happy and sad, or emotionally stable and “crazy” people. In fact, if I was asked what my main finding has been living in a diverse culture as a foreigner; my answer would be “We are the same. No matter where we are from, we all deal with same kinds of life situations and even how we deal with them emotionally. Just pick a good foreign film, either from Asia or Africa; you’ll still laugh like crazy and shed genuine tears.”

So, what I’m going to discuss is actually about marginal differences; but perhaps those tiny differences might possibly be part of the reasons why your life feels as stuck as 5 years ago, after reading A Course in Miracles, Conversations in God and every book Oprah recommends and after watching The Secret more than 3 times (which you did even after watching What the Bleep Do We Know 5 times) and felt like you’ve always had superpower that could solve all of your problems.

First, regarding verbal communications and a hidden mental structure beneath them—watch people when you go to a party. If you watch them carefully, you will notice how often they interrupt each other and start talking about themselves, what they do and what they know—and it’s very, very common in “spiritual discussions” (if such things can actually exist). Most of those people are so accustomed to that behavior that they actually get some pleasure out of such interactions or non-interactions. And they unconsciously believe they are supposed to interrupt others. What they do not realize is that while they do so trying to “connect” with people (which they feel they’ve succeeded temporarily), what they are actually doing is to promote separateness.

Next time you are in a spiritual (or any) discussion group, if you catch a moment when you feel the urge to speak out to make a suggestion or talk about a technique you’ve learned, ask yourself why you want to speak out. Why must others know what you have to say? You might say that it will help others. Well, does that help YOU? Maybe the answer is still yes. But would it equally help yourself if you internally ask yourself why you need to speak out? What would happen if you just kept smiling and listening instead, and perhaps just occasionally ask the speaker about what she is sharing? Or would you be scared to look too boring? Do you need to attract them and win their respect today? Would you be scared of not being understood by others? Why? Can you wait until next week or until they get to know you personally after 3 months? If the answer is ‘no’, why? What is the source of that urge?

So, if you actually find this idea intriguing, here’s what you could do. For the next two weeks, try not to speak out in a group environment during the conversation or discussion unless you are asked to speak. When you shut up your mouth, your mind will gain space to observe others and your own thought process. But if you come up with the greatest idea in the world, take mental notes (or physical notes if you can so you forget about it temporarily). Or do you think you could lose your reputation as an interesting, smart and spiritually advanced person by not speaking out for two weeks?  If so, what is the source of that fear? Why is it so important to look interesting and “spiritual”?

I can tell you this—I’ve been doing this for years not for my spiritual practice, but I was and still am incapable of interrupting others. One time, I actually gave up the idea of joining any existing conversation. But after doing this for years in academia, corporate environments and spiritual communities, I realized that you’ll gain tremendous respect (as if it mattered) from others by not talking about what you know and letting them naturally find out who you are and what you are truly made of. People can smell it better than you think. Over the past years, through my observed interactions with both of my American and non-American friends, I’ve collected good amount of evidence that this concept is universal rather than culture-specific.

Next, I’d like to share my observations on how most people in spiritual communities are trying to achieve their goals in their physical lives. Yes, I’m talking about “The Secret”. As much as I appreciate the concept and awareness this movie/book has brought to the general public, I must say that it also re-energized another aspect of the American Spiritual Pain-Body. I see more people than ever who are trying to think positively, trying to pretend that they already have what they want, trying to convince themselves that they are going to find a check of a million dollars next month, and trying to believe they are as psychic as Allison Dubois.

And very often, they say something like “I know it’s going to happen to my life soon.”  This attitude itself is not dysfunctional at all; the problem is they SAY it to others—without being asked how much they are convinced of their “knowing”. When people volunteer information about themselves, you can learn a lot of things about them not from the information itself but by noticing that there are unspoken reasons why they chose to share that particular information. (An easy trick to decipher their unconscious motivations is to add “I need you to know that…” in the beginning of the sentence you hear and “because” at the end of it.) In this particular case, they say they will make it exactly because they are not really sure about it and they want you to agree with them. I highly doubt Bill Gates would say “I’m the richest person in the world!”

So, am I denying the effectiveness of affirmations and the manifesting power of consciousness? Not at all. Although I still don’t think major part of Quantum Physics is not applicable to our daily lives, I do believe that pure energy of our thoughts does affect our physical lives and that our Higher Selves do have some kind of supernatural (or truly natural) power, whether we choose to use it or not. It is definitely part of my belief system. But I think there is a more effective way to achieve our goals, which I’m going to discuss shortly. And I think this simple, physical yet perfectly spiritual method will give us insights on our spiritual growth too. In general, I believe the most profound spiritual lessons are majestically encrypted in our non-supernatural facts of our lives.

But before I talk about this “method,” I want you to feel safe about giving some serious thought to my suggestions by knowing how I re-discovered it through my own experiences and how it worked for my life. So, here are some facts about me (I’m voluntarily talking about myself!): As I mentioned, I have a Ph. D. from Cornell and I have two other advanced degrees; while I was studying the social sciences, I worked with a Harvard Medical doctor for his brain tumor research and published a pioneering paper to a major journal in theoretical biology; I have a black belt in full-contact karate; I’m a Jazz/New Age pianist (I’m not a professional musician, but I was good enough to play for several major spiritual events); I’m a director a top marketing research company (and I make money accordingly); I am the president of a company, where I both film and edit videos on spirituality and self-empowerment. I was once a board member of a major spiritual center in Southern California, if that’s actually an achievement. Oh, I also speak a foreign language fluently (I’m talking about ENGLISH, not Japanese, by the way).

Did I do all of these because my Asian parents sent me to after-school classes 8 days a week before I was able to speak? No. My mother never told me to study. My GPA in Japan was 3.001, so if I had taken one more class I didn’t like, I probably wouldn’t’ have been accepted by Cornell. I was a chubby boy, and I wasn’t good at sports either. Both of my brother and sister used to make fun of my singing voice and they thought I was a tone deaf. I started to take piano lessons when I was already in high school. I began to take karate lessons only after I came to the U.S. Because I completely changed my academic major, I re-learned everything.

In retrospect, it was actually a blessing that I learned most of those skills as an adult; I was able to carefully observe and remember my own learning process. Because of that, I can clearly see why most of “The Secret” followers are not getting results and what might actually work for them instead. So, without further due, here’s my “method”:

Do not use verbal affirmations; Use behavioral affirmations.

Let me explain. It was my piano teacher I had when I was a college student in Japan who gave me this trick: Whatever you learn—whether it’s piano or sports—it always helps to do it slowly first, get used to it and finally do it at full speed; otherwise you’ll stay sloppy and frustrated. I’ve found that this perfectly applies to learning Martial Arts as well as almost anything in life.

Let me also tell you why average students in Asia (actually, I really don’t know how they do things in countries other than Japan, but I’m assuming there’re a lot of similarities within that cultural region) tend to do well in math. It’s not because of their innate aptitude nor because their parents pressure them; it’s how math is taught at schools. In Japanese primary schools, they spend very little time to teach the students “why” in mathematics and spend a lot of time solving extremely simple problems, and they repeat the same types of exercises again and again. Even if you get the first 50 questions right, you need to finish the rest until you complete the entire chapter in their exercise books. Then when they are able to solve super easy questions without even thinking, they finally get to the next level.  Now, do you see how they teach math and Martial Arts exactly the same way? They encourage students to learn first and theorize later.

By the way, it was very interesting to see, in the first year of my karat class at Cornell, all other students asked so many questions and I almost never asked anything, but I was by far the fastest learning student and the only survivor. The following year, a quiet American freshman joined our class; he instinctively followed this method and just quietly followed what was taught. Other than myself, he was the only student who eventually received a black belt in the end.

This makes sense physically, doesn’t it? Actually, it’s also meta-physically makes sense perfectly as well, and the concept is totally useable. Here’s the key: when you practice with an extremely easy exercise in any aspect of your life, not only do you literally learn it, but you are also hypnotizing yourself, by giving yourself a powerful affirmation in your action with guaranteed instant result. What if you failed? Pick something even easier and actually do it, even if it seems too stupid to do. The important thing is that you need to get used to succeeding in getting results from your intentions. Then eventually when you really, really know you are going to make it, you will start feeling it’s pointless to “say” affirmations.

So, what are examples of those “extremely easy exercises”? If you want to lose weight, decide to eat completely healthy and refrain from sweets just for two days; knowing that you can and will definitely go back to your favorite ice cream after two days. Just two days. If you make it, do it next week. Again, just for two days. Do you want to write a book? And you’ve been thinking about for the past 5 years? Just write one page per week. If you feel creative and write three pages within a week, give yourself permission to rest for two weeks. In two years, your book will be complete; you can self-publish it and sell it on Amazon.com.

Lastly, I would like to discuss “spirituality” itself among Spiritual/New Age communities in the United States. When I came to this country, I was amazed how openly and progressively New Spirituality is accepted. In many other older countries, most of the ideas are already embedded in their cultures, but because of that, the essence of it became ritualistic and people do not question it. Consequently, they also accept dysfunctional rules and have developed the fear of not following those rules. In the United States, on the other hand, because the ideas in New Age or Eastern Philosophy are relatively new to them and because many of them had the courage to question the ideas imposed in their childhood, Americans (and some non-Americans who chose to live in the US) rediscovered a highly functional system of spirituality and integrated great yet highly fragmented ideas in the world. Just notice how many world-wide best sellers in New Age/New Spirituality were written by Americans. And those books did save a millons of people in the world. A lot of my International friends are impressed with this achievement the same way.

Now, I have to mention a few things on the dysfunctional side again—Way too many people stopped living their lives under the name of spirituality. They’ve studied well, read every book in their favorite New Age bookstore, to the extent where they can teach the concepts, and they do become teachers themselves. Most of them, unfortunately, are not asking themselves, “Am I demonstrating what I have studied? Are my students learning from how I live?”

If my observations are correct, they do initially change their attitude to a little degree and start living positively, but they stop there. By “stop there”, I mean their modality in spiritual practices becomes their new identity and use it in order to ignore their life situations. Some identify themselves with what they do so strongly that they become defensive when their “abilities” are questioned. Very often, I hear “I didn’t do it because my Spirit Guide told me not to.”  I’ve known relatively famous mediums who have proven their transpersonal capabilities and a few are now close friends (and I personally tested them!). I’ve never heard them saying their spirit guides told them what to do or what not do.

Am I suggesting we should stop reading books on spirituality? Of course not. The only problem is that many “spiritual” people are good at convincing that they have learned everything they think they need to know in order to achieve their goals. Here’s the pitfall—when you haven’t achieved your goal yet, you don’t know what you need to learn either.  (To be fair, this kind of dysfunctional attitude is also common among scientists, but it would take another article to explore it). For example, “Ask And It Is Given,” one of our all-time favorites, includes great workshops with detailed instructions. Have you actually done all of those workshops? Or did you read only the first chapter and learned to freak out when you say something negative? By all means, do enjoy being “spiritual” and study metaphysical topics you like. But please ask yourself if you are applying what you’ve learned in your daily (or seemingly non-spiritual) life. I admire the kind of atheists who are demonstrating their spirituality without any concept of it or without any spiritual tools. They act lovingly and genuinely to others and themselves without thinking what would happen to them after they die or to their “spiritual path”; they do so because it’s their natural state and it’s their impulse. I wish I could be like them.

Imagine there’s no heaven.

Can you?